my heart is filled with hate..

I thought that I was going to be better by now, but I’m not.

I feel like I’m not allowed to express my anger and sadness over what happened. If I did, then everyone would get mad at me and think I was a huge bitch.

I thought that keeping my feelings hidden from everyone would help me get better, but it hasn’t helped me at all. It’s made my “episodes” less frequent, but it hasn’t stopped them from happening altogether.

Now, it’s apparent that I’m getting worse. My episodes are occurring much more frequently, and they’ve been growing stronger and stronger.

I spend a lot of time now lying in my bed in the dark with the covers pulled over my head, crying quietly to myself. This morning I was hit particularly hard by an episode; all I wanted was to stand in the shower and drown.

I hate him. I hate what he did to me. I hate the way he pretends like I never meant anything to him. I hate how he doesn’t see anything wrong with his serial monogamy. I that other people are letting him get away with this, and that some people are actually encouraging it.

What I hate most of all, though, is that people are going to read this and think I’m just being melodramatic. “Just get over it already. the truth is my heart is filled with Hate now! i'm drowning with hate! i'm starting to hate everything! i just wanna runaway from this town and live far away..

the end of trial exam..

the end of Trial exam.. yeahey.. need to focus now for my PMR.. huhu.. stress.. but i know i can do it.. think positive Apple.. :) 

so guess what? my friend caught you staring at me boy.. :) yay.. hmm..if you doesnt text me first, i wont text. if you dont call, i'm sure as hell i wont call. if you dont say Hi, i wont say Hi.. but you know what? i really miss you.. seeing you at school makes me sad & happy.. i dont know why.. i wanna know why you keep staring at me? do you have something to say? just tell me.. i'll be ok.. i'll listen..  

i'll wait for you boy.. :)

only me.. :)

Meredith Grey..

“Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled…old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.”


We have to keep reinventing ourselves almost every minute because the world can change in an instant, and there's no time for looking back. Sometimes the changes are forced on us, sometimes they happen by accident, and we make the most of them. We have to constantly come up with new ways to fix ourselves. So we change, we adapt, we create new versions of ourselves. We just need to be sure that this one is an improvement over the last.

do i really hate you?

I hate you so fucking much; every fucking word that comes out of your foul mouth. Who the fuck do you think you are and why are you set on making my life miserable? Your lazy and pathetic so how about you stop moping around feeling sorry for yourself, while everyone bends head over heels to make life easier for you, and get off your high horse. You can say whatever cruel and harsh things you want to me, find reasons to make me feel worse about myself, but at the end of the day you are cold and heartless and I don’t ever want to wither away and become as bitter as you are. If you took one fucking second to listen to me or pay the slightest bit of attention to my life, maybe you would actually know something about me, rather than just assuming everything and making a colossal ass out of yourself, you fucking prick. I cannot wait to get as far away as possible from you.