what a fucking day!

i'm so fucking mad today.. gosh... i'm losing my fucking mind.. what the heck is happening to me?  everything is driving me insane.. headache + toothache? on sunday? yeah right. i can't go out.. and now my throat? and i can't sleep.. everything is fucking perfect right now!!! can't go out and can't sleep!!! what can i do?? fuck this shit!! i'm soo fucked up... what a weekend!! i feel like slamming all the doors and bang my head on the wall..  arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need a fucking normal life!!!!!!!!!!! 

my heart is filled with hate..

I thought that I was going to be better by now, but I’m not.

I feel like I’m not allowed to express my anger and sadness over what happened. If I did, then everyone would get mad at me and think I was a huge bitch.

I thought that keeping my feelings hidden from everyone would help me get better, but it hasn’t helped me at all. It’s made my “episodes” less frequent, but it hasn’t stopped them from happening altogether.

Now, it’s apparent that I’m getting worse. My episodes are occurring much more frequently, and they’ve been growing stronger and stronger.

I spend a lot of time now lying in my bed in the dark with the covers pulled over my head, crying quietly to myself. This morning I was hit particularly hard by an episode; all I wanted was to stand in the shower and drown.

I hate him. I hate what he did to me. I hate the way he pretends like I never meant anything to him. I hate how he doesn’t see anything wrong with his serial monogamy. I that other people are letting him get away with this, and that some people are actually encouraging it.

What I hate most of all, though, is that people are going to read this and think I’m just being melodramatic. “Just get over it already. the truth is my heart is filled with Hate now! i'm drowning with hate! i'm starting to hate everything! i just wanna runaway from this town and live far away..

the end of trial exam..

the end of Trial exam.. yeahey.. need to focus now for my PMR.. huhu.. stress.. but i know i can do it.. think positive Apple.. :) 

so guess what? my friend caught you staring at me boy.. :) yay.. hmm..if you doesnt text me first, i wont text. if you dont call, i'm sure as hell i wont call. if you dont say Hi, i wont say Hi.. but you know what? i really miss you.. seeing you at school makes me sad & happy.. i dont know why.. i wanna know why you keep staring at me? do you have something to say? just tell me.. i'll be ok.. i'll listen..  

i'll wait for you boy.. :)

only me.. :)

Meredith Grey..

“Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled…old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.”


We have to keep reinventing ourselves almost every minute because the world can change in an instant, and there's no time for looking back. Sometimes the changes are forced on us, sometimes they happen by accident, and we make the most of them. We have to constantly come up with new ways to fix ourselves. So we change, we adapt, we create new versions of ourselves. We just need to be sure that this one is an improvement over the last.

do i really hate you?

I hate you so fucking much; every fucking word that comes out of your foul mouth. Who the fuck do you think you are and why are you set on making my life miserable? Your lazy and pathetic so how about you stop moping around feeling sorry for yourself, while everyone bends head over heels to make life easier for you, and get off your high horse. You can say whatever cruel and harsh things you want to me, find reasons to make me feel worse about myself, but at the end of the day you are cold and heartless and I don’t ever want to wither away and become as bitter as you are. If you took one fucking second to listen to me or pay the slightest bit of attention to my life, maybe you would actually know something about me, rather than just assuming everything and making a colossal ass out of yourself, you fucking prick. I cannot wait to get as far away as possible from you. 

another mess in my messy head..

so guess what?? i caught you thinking of me.. haha.. you texted me first and i'm loving it.. i was absent today.. aparently you did notice that i was absent and you texted me.. ayeee.. that made my day.. and you said that you were worried about me? ahaha.. WTF? is that true? is that really you?? hmm.. tell me... gossshh.. another mess in my messy head.. :P

dear future boyfriend..

I’m sorry for the fights that we’ll get into. I’m sorry for making you cry. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry if I get jealous. I’m sorry if I act childish sometimes. I’m sorry if I’m a pain in the ass sometimes. And I’m sorry for everything that I’ll do to make you unhappy. I thank you for all the smiles that you’ll bring me, all the happiness you can give me. I thank you for being there for when I need you the most. Thank you for brightening up my day. If you make me cry, then that’s okay. Just don’t make that a habit. If you hold my hand, hold it tight so that you can make sure that I don’t slip away. If you hold me, just know that I won’t stop smiling. I want you to know that if I ever do slip away, I didn’t want to, but it was something that I couldn’t help. And when I realize how stupid I was, I hope that you still haven’t given up on me yet. And I hope that you’ll still be there to give me another chance because I would give you that second chance. If you make me cry, then that’s okay. They say that guys aren’t worth my tears, but I want you to be the guy that’s worth my tears. I know that there’ll be times where I can’t always make you happy. I know that there will be times where I won’t be able to see you because of my parents, but know that I really just want to be with you right at that moment and know that I just want to be in your arms. I don’t need you to kiss me every minute like how some couples are because I’d rather you just surprise me. I’ll love it when you make me laugh, even if it’s something completely stupid, a cheesy pick up line, a silly face, anything, I’ll love it. I’ll introduce you to my friends if you want and you can introduce me to yours, but that really doesn’t matter to me. Knowing you is good enough for me. I won’t fall for any of your friends because I know how much you’d hate that and why would I want them when I have you? I just hope that you can do the same. I’ll watch movies with you all day if you wanted to - your favorite movies, my favorite movies, new movies, any movie. We can go to the park and run around you can chase me around the playground. We can take a train to New York and then wind up not getting off until the last stop. When we do get off, we can just take another train and it won’t matter which stop we get off at. We can stay up all night on the phone and not even say anything to each other. Future boyfriend, I hope that I’ll meet you soon..   -x0x0-

who's Deuce?

 so he is my friend and more than friends.. haha.. he is not my Bf coz he is in a relationship but we are more than friends.. we treat each other in a special way but no commitment involve.. we are just more than friends but less than lovers.. i settle for this kind of relationship just bcoz i like him and i dont want to have any commitment.. i dont want to be someone's GF & i dont want to have a BF.. i'm happy with this kind of relationship for the time being..  :)) he makes me happy & that it! i just wanna be happy.. :D

buy me..

i want this nooowwww.. buy me this & i promise i'll date you.. lol.. WTF.. jooookeee... :))