why are you still on my mind? its been a long time and yet you still own my fucking heart..

It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it..

I wonder if you ever miss me, wonder if you ever think about the good times we had.. Samara Beach,our secret place to hang out,our great escape,our songs,getting drunk together.All the things that we did..I wonder if you ever miss it? 

About how much I loved you, or thought I did. How I felt everytime you pick a fight with me, like I could feel my heart stopping. The nights I spent crying rather than sleeping, how much you didn’t care, how you treat me now, how you fucked her the day after we broke up, the cuts that you didn’t ever care about,how wrong I was to ever love you? well i never knew what it was like to feel like this;— to get that heavy unwanted feeling in your chest, when you dont want to speak of move. all you want to do is close your eyes,sleep, and think..what the fuck did i do wrong?! where did i fuck up? just close my eyes and sleep becuase the process of beinng broken is incredibly exhausting. for a while i attempted to make my days fulfilling, but no mater how hard i tried i couldnt seem to connect with anyone or anything the way i used too. i jut wanted the pain to stop to  not feel anything at all if it means the aching would stop.

The feelings i had for you were unfathomable, i was unaware i was even feeling them. untill you told me you didnt want me anymore. and thats when it hit me… i loved everything about us, about you, and about how i felt with you. but im going ok now. because ive tried my hardest to move on. althought my thoughts pace back and forth about you and me, i stay strong. i just wish all this pain and feelings would disappear.  how long will it take..? to make it stop. i miss you. alot. i wonder if you do too? i want you to reach out to me, tell me you still want to be friends. because when i lost you i lost my bestfriend tooo. idk. you hurt me. i feel dumb. ugh! 

The sad/sweet thing is, all of the things I talked about are things we did when we were together. Us ending changed me so much as a person, but to be honest, I still compare every boy I meet to him;he’s the only boy I’ve ever loved. I don’t know what about the comparison of you has made me so unsure of relationships but something definitely has.