my heart is filled with hate..

I thought that I was going to be better by now, but I’m not.

I feel like I’m not allowed to express my anger and sadness over what happened. If I did, then everyone would get mad at me and think I was a huge bitch.

I thought that keeping my feelings hidden from everyone would help me get better, but it hasn’t helped me at all. It’s made my “episodes” less frequent, but it hasn’t stopped them from happening altogether.

Now, it’s apparent that I’m getting worse. My episodes are occurring much more frequently, and they’ve been growing stronger and stronger.

I spend a lot of time now lying in my bed in the dark with the covers pulled over my head, crying quietly to myself. This morning I was hit particularly hard by an episode; all I wanted was to stand in the shower and drown.

I hate him. I hate what he did to me. I hate the way he pretends like I never meant anything to him. I hate how he doesn’t see anything wrong with his serial monogamy. I that other people are letting him get away with this, and that some people are actually encouraging it.

What I hate most of all, though, is that people are going to read this and think I’m just being melodramatic. “Just get over it already. the truth is my heart is filled with Hate now! i'm drowning with hate! i'm starting to hate everything! i just wanna runaway from this town and live far away..